Just Say No?

On the weekend I hung out at my personal skating rink (private schools' old basketball/tennis/netball courts). It seems that learning to skate is a "two steps forward, one step back" then alternating, affair. Each time I put on my skates I feel a bit scared, and have to pinwheel around for a lap or two before I calm down. Fear is indeed a bitch, and a bitch wholeheartedly set on making you quit. I want to quit. I really do.
      This whole idea to become a Roller Derby Chic seems totally ridiculous, and I should grow up and stop being silly. Perhaps it is times like this that I get to use my stubborn streak for the greater good.  Perhaps every trait we have, whether good or bad, has it's use.  Stubbornness is usually viewed in a bad way, just now I read a quote "Stubbornness is the strength of the weak" , well yes, it can be. But the dude who wrote that was living in a time that was without Roller Derby. So maybe he would  agree with me, if he was still kicking in the 21st century.
      I thought it might be a good idea to approach these 8 wheels of death with a more relaxed view. So, I rolled a joint. Now, before I go any further I have to explain my relationship with marijuana. We are not friends, we are very casual acquaintance's. For example, if I saw MJ at a party, we would smile and nod at each other, we wouldn't talk. It's not that we had a falling out or anything, we just run in different circles. There have been times when we have been shoulder to shoulder, you know, MJ has friends that are my friends too, and so we politely say "hi" and make stilted conversation, making us both slightly uncomfortable, but that's about it.
      I sat on the ground, all padded up and had a bit of a talk with MJ. It was a nice sunny day, blue skies and lots of birds and butterflies around. It was lovely... Until I stood up. Holy Shit, bad idea.
Relaxed? Yes, but totally an utterly unequipped to deal with being on wheels. Instead of expected ease and comfort, I was hyper aware of how bloody foreign it is to have wheels stuck on the souls of your feet. Although I was happy to be outside and really enjoying the fresh air and wildlife that surrounded me, I was deep in 'body paranoia'. Forgetting about that element of MJ was a very silly mistake on my part, and from there on in the afternoon took a very different path.
      No longer interested in trying to skate, I found myself contemplating the essence of Life. Not the meaning (that is impossible and best left to people who want to fry their brains, or argue into the wee hours at parties), but the reason it exists, the How, more than the Why. I came to the conclusion that their are two forces in the Universe. The names of those two forces are arbitrary; light, dark; up, down; left, right; good, evil ( that one is a stupid one). And these two forces push up against one another, and right in the middle of them, in the friction of those two elements, Life happens.
       While standing (albeit in a wobbly way) , I began to see and feel those two forces, in and around me. Outside of me I felt the wind, it was blowing from the East, and I saw this fat bodied butterfly, small, with brown and white spots. It was battling against the breeze. I marveled at the effort it made to go forward. Most of time it seemed to be getting pushed backwards, but then, the breeze would drop slightly and it's would advance just a few inches diagonally. It's furry body bobbing away against an invisible force. I watched that butterfly battle, and I mean battle with every inch of it's tiny self. I gingerly skated beside it , engrossed in a scene I would normally not even pay much attention to. I don't know how long I watched, but it was long enough to question why it didn't just turn around and let the wind take it somewhere. It must have been totally knackered as it made it's way past the key of the basketball court, then to the 3 point line. Where the fuck was it going? Through the link fence, then I realised it did have an agenda, past the courts there is a fine looking fig tree, shady, cool and I guess the place to be if you are a butterfly. It was nearly under the foliage when a strong wind blew it back into the courts. I felt like I was watching the climax of this little things life ( given they don't live long). I was cheering for it (on the inside) willing it to make it to that tree. Then the wind abated a few seconds and the butterfly made last ditch attempt at the fig tree, lifting up over the fence and in a smooth arc landing into the greenery and out of my sight.
      It seems a little silly now, but in that moment I felt a kind of elation. If that little creature can push against the wind with all it's might, at it's goal and not take the easy route (by turning the hell around and go cruising) then shit... So can I. Surely, that butterfly was being stubborn, or focused, I don't know if there is really a difference sometimes.
       Unfortunately I was way too stoned to do anything about it at the time. I laid, flat out on the court, skates still on my feet and stared up at a bank of cotton wool clouds. One looked like a cartoony dog with comically long ears, the one that followed was an old school roller skate. I shit you not.